Long ago, Ellen Gregory–fellow writer, blogger, and all-around excellent human–bestowed upon me the ‘Very Inspiring Blogger Award.’ In return, I bestow upon her this expression of gratitude:
Thanks, Ellen 🙂
As this award appears to be a vehicle for revealing seven pieces of information about oneself, I have unearthed these random facts…
Seven Items I’d Bring to a Zombie Apocalypse
1. A Pair of Sturdy Hiking Boots
Perhaps one day you’ll dash out to pick up the dry cleaning, only to have a sudden zombie apocalypse cut off the flow of gasoline and drive what remains of humanity into tribalism and banditry. The closest survivor enclave could be over in the next state, leaving you no choice but to walk there.
Is this a situation that calls for: a) a pair of comfortable flip-flops, or b) hiking boots, with rugged soles like monster truck tires, and sturdy enough to kick a path through waves of shambling zombies without getting one’s toes gnawed?
For the fashionable, yet practical, survivor, there’s only one answer. And since hiking boots happen to be my everyday footwear of choice, if a zombie apocalypse were to break out, 1/7 of my preparations are already complete.
2. My Smartphone
I have a smartphone app that caches the text from every Wikipedia article, allowing me to carry in my pocket a repository of all human knowledge. The GPS could easily guide me to any survivor enclave, and with the camera, I could take photos of zombies and post them on social media with some of the classic captions like “invisible sandwich” and “I see what you did there.”
And let’s not forget a smartphone’s ability to play music. Who doesn’t need groovy jams on a road trip?
“But your smartphone wouldn’t work anymore,” people might say. “Zombies are dumb and would chew through all the power lines and stuff. There would be no electricity or functional cell phone towers.”
But if we can suspend enough of our disbelief in a fictional work to accept the premise of the dead rising to devour the living, then we can surely extend it enough to include wireless service because, hey…imagination 🙂
3. A Clean T-Shirt
You never know when you might find yourself at an event with a stringent dress code. Showing up in a grimy shirt that a zombie had torn and half-eaten would no doubt be the faux pas of the social season.
4. Sunglasses
Outside during daylight hours, sunglasses shield my eyes–even when the sky grows swollen and dark with rain. A zombie apocalypse is unlikely to change this.
5. My Fiction
A writer needs to overcome distraction, so why should a zombie apocalypse be different from a cat pawing at our keyboards? I’d find a way to keep writing…
…probably not a zombie apocalypse novel, though.
6. A Zombie Defense System
I’d also need an instrument of zombie-repulsion. If I let my hiking boots do all the work, my leg muscles would overdevelop until I resembled a pair of tree trunks crowned by a spindly body and sunglasses. The obvious solution is a weapon that works out my arms so I look proportioned by the time I arrive at the gates of the survivor enclave.
“You can’t enter,” the gate guard shouts. “We have no more vacancies.”
“Well, crap.”
“Wait a minute. Is that a clean t-shirt?”
“Why, yes,” I reply, modeling the shirt. “Yes, it is.”
“Well, come on in! We’re about to have caviar. You’ll fit right in.”
So just what is this super-weapon with astounding powers of upper body development?
PD image via Wikimedia Commons
Simple and durable in construction, this compact weapon packs small and requires no accessories to maintain full functionality. But laser sights do look pretty cool in movies and stuff, so I’d just have to get them custom-installed with any potential nunchaku purchase.
Should the zombie apocalypse strike before then, I guess I’ll make do with a spray bottle of Zom-B-Gone.
7. A Backpack with Lots of Pockets
A zombie apocalypse means zombie apocalypse loot. To sustain myself on the trip to the survivor enclave, I’d need a backpack with lots of pockets to hold all my Tic Tacs, burritos, and spray cheese in a can.
And if I can find one made from a material strong enough to protect me from the biting of zombie teeth, easy enough when considering the gum problems most zombies would likely have, the backpack becomes a multipurpose item–a desirable property in any piece of zombie apocalypse equipment.
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At this point, I’m supposed to tag some other bloggers for the award. This one’s been going around for a while, so I wouldn’t be surprised if every blog I visit has already been tagged, and probably more than once. Even so, I’d like to spotlight at least a couple of the blogs I like:
A Scenic Route – Kirsten’s farther along with her revision than I am, but since we’re both working through Holly Lisle’s How to Revise Your Novel course, her experiences with it are helpful.
Searching For SuperWomen – This is a brand new blog, but there’s already some pretty good stuff here pertaining to women and geek culture.
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There are many Very Inspiring Bloggers out there. Who among them have inspired you?
Mike Schulenberg 
One of my favorites of your posts 🙂 Loving the whole clean T-shirt bit and you’re definitely a man who has his priorities straight, making sure you have pockets for your Tic Tacs 🙂
Well, since money will have no value, I suspect Tic Tacs will become the currency of the zombie apocalypse–with non-smokers, anyway.
I love your sense of humor! I think the caviar party will be lots of fun. I’m off to chose the appropriate t-shirt for such an occasion and place it in my Zombie Apocalypse survival bag right now. See you later.
Thank you for the nice comment. If my post has helped anyone prepare for a zombie apocalypse–they can be rather spontaneous, you know–then my work is done 😉
Sunglasses are right up there at the top of my list. I can’t survive without them now! Imagine squinting and running from zombies ~ that just would not work.
You know, I bet that’s why Clint Eastwood always had that kinda squinty-steely stare in all those westerns. He just needed some sunglasses 🙂
Zombies give me the willies, but your rationale for why your smartphone will still work is beyond brilliant. Very inspiring…as it should be!
Thanks, Liv 🙂
If there is a zombie apocalypse, I want to follow you. You have it down!
Well, I did spend a year in the Cub Scouts, and they taught us the importance of being prepared 😉
I always find myself smiling with anticipation as I wait for your blog to load (my Mac is slowing down! Must fix that before the zombie apocalypse strikes! ) which means I’m especially flattered to be featured on it. 😀 To be very inspiring is a great honor, although I don’t think I can top your post for being not only informative and timely, but also entertaining.
The list of bloggers who’ve inspired me is quite long and if I name a few of them I would be leaving too many of them out. Luckily, all anyone needs to do is check my blogroll. 🙂 Everyone there is an important part of my writing journey and contributes in their own unique way.
Most of all, I’m glad to see that you’d keep writing through the zombie apocalypse, because if humorous Mike Schulenberg posts stopped appearing in my Inbox, that would truly be a tragedy. 😉
Thanks very much for the great compliment. I like to drop by your blog whenever I can because it’s a nice place to hang out, and it’s been pretty great to following your writing journey 🙂
Loved this! Very funny post, Mike. Clean t-shirt and Tic Tacs – at least we know who the good smellin’ person is going to be amongst all the unwashed and undead. 🙂
Thanks, Rhonda 🙂 I suppose one might say that in the land of the zombies, the person with the clean shirt is king. Or something…
Hilarious take on the blog award meme. Love this: The GPS could easily guide me to any survivor enclave, and with the camera, I could take photos of zombies and post them on social media with some of the classic captions like “invisible sandwich” and “I see what you did there.” I foresee a lot of instagramming and photo-bombing possibilities. 🙂
Thanks, Tami…maybe we’ll even discover the zombie equivalent of Grumpy Cat 🙂
All sounds perfectly logical to me! Can’t think of anything I’d change… I wear my sunglasses on dim days too and I love your Zombie defence system. And as for doing without a smartphone — I cannot even fathom it. (Have you seen the App Zombie Booth? You can make zombie photos of yourself and upload THEM to social media – heh!)
I’ve not heard of that app, but it sounds familiar. Sounds worth checking out.
I have nunchakus but have never been able to hurt anyone with them. I only did the pretty stuff with them when I took taekwondo. Lol
Well, the pretty stuff is more than what I can do with them. I was just thinking how extra cool nunchaku made out of glowsticks would be, although I’d worry that a passing plane would mistake my driveway for a runway 😉
Are you going to eat the spray cheese or use it on the zombies? Have you been to see the zombie movie yet?
Spray cheese seems like a multipurpose substance, so I’d probably use it as both food and zombie repellent. Haven’t seen World War Z yet, but it looks fun and I liked the book well enough, so I’ll definitely have to go.
Don’t forget to take your spray cheese lol.
lol…but of course 🙂